You might be a pony ride worker if...
. . . you wipe your glasses on your shirt, and they get dirtier.
. . . you often wonder why your feet stay with you.
. . . you’ve forgotten what color your car was at the beginning of fair season.
. . . you know the color white, is never white for long.
. . . there’s trotter in your trunk from a bag that exploded last fair season.
. . . you know where Gales Ferry is.
. . . your friends don’t come into the petting zoo to talk to you because they’re afraid of Janet.
. . . you know how to turn a one hump camel into a two hump camel.
. . . you suddenly become popular around fair season because your friends can get their kids free pony rides.
. . . you have a folder on your computer labeled “Cute pony ride kids” full of pictures of children you don’t know.
. . . you make fun of animals because they don’t have thumbs.
. . . you see Cassidy’s picture on the front of glue bottles.
. . . no matter where you go in the state you can point and say “oh I’ve done pony rides there” at least once on the trip.
. . . you know what Ted’s talking about when he says “whosadingit” and “whatsagigger”.
. . . you know Janet’s not quitting.
. . . people know not to ask you out during fair season.
. . . baby wipes constitute a shower.
. . . you’re always looking for the shit bucket.
. . . pony water is sanitary. (Or, more sanitary than hand sanitizer)
. . . you can do almost anything one-handed, standing up, and walking in circles.
. . . you know where to find yellow duct tape.
. . . you spend more time smelling bad than you spend smelling good.
. . . you get excited for pancake day.
. . . you’ve been raped by a fence.
. . . you can sleep deeply with 500 lbs. of grain stacked precariously over your head.
. . . you know what it is that makes a pony vampirical.
. . . you sleepwalk in circles.
. . . your math skills are best applied to the times tables of four.
. . . your excuse for split ends is that the camel chewed up your hair.
. . . you wash your hands BEFORE you go to the bathroom.
. . . you can life a 100 lb. kid without dropping your ice cream.
. . . all your shoes are farm shoes.
. . . you’ve reached that point beyond just having to pee.
. . . you have an informed opinion on childhood obesity and just how young is too young for a girl to wear a mini-skirt.
...you return home and fight over the shower
...you look forward to Janet's breakfasts
...Dunkin' Donuts gets you through the day
...when shavings look tempting to sleep in
...you hear someone say "crap!" and you look around for a shovel
...if buckets replace chairs
...if after work you tend to lean towards the right in a circular pattern
...if u can recite that Jimmy Joe's/Pollyiana's stories in your sleep
...if you don't get sleep
...if you don't bother wearing good clothes all summer because you know the inevitable outcome
...if you invite pig guys, cow girls, goat kids, and sheep families to breakfast (and lunch... and dinner...)
... You know you can walk into the pony rides, say, "Janet... I'm hungry..." and get fed.
... You've sat back while a seven-year-old has given a twelve-year-old a pony ride.
... You know the exchange rate of babies-for-ponies
... You'd do anything for an animal cracker.
... You can convince drunk people of ANYTHING.
... You can tell the twin ponies apart.
... When someone asks who's in charge, you know not to look for Ted.
... You know to turn down the pig guy when he asks you if you want to "Go fishing."
... You know what order the fence goes on the truck.
... You can't keep track of animals because Ted can't remember names.
... You've ever had to re-saddle a pony because you put their blanket on "the fat way."
... You know why carnies are considered "reverse cockroaches"
... Your bodyguard is nicknamed "Squishy"
... Your boss has ever threatened to castrate someone or played the lesbian for you.
... You know who to blame when the zedonk is called a NASA experiment.
... You know how Janet and Ted take their coffee.
... You could sleep through an earthquake because you've fallen asleep in the truck.
Circle K Kennel and Farm: . . .
. . . because we walk in circles.
. . . because we’ll walk the pony whether the kid’s screaming or not.
. . . home of the "Drop, plop, and GO."
. . . have you seen our kissing llamas?
. . . where white ponies are brown ponies.
. . . tough enough to take hurricanes, floods, and multiple washouts, all in one season.
. . . because none of us have won the lottery yet.
. . . because Ted’s not allowed to die, and Janet’s not allowed to quit.
One of my farm girls started the idea, and everyone's been rolling with it. They've been hinting that they want them on the next batch of farm shirts, and if they're really good kids I might be convinced to do it. Which ones are your favorites?
Also, FENCE-RAPE IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER. Every year, five or six girls get raped, pushed down, or knocked in the face by fence, and the fence goes un-punished. Next time you jerk-holes hear me screaming that the fence broke my vagina, don't just laugh. Next time it could be your sister, your daughter, your mother, or you.